It occurs to me that I haven't written anything in a long time.
Life gets in the way sometimes. All the expected things and all the completely unexpected things as well.
Today I need to get some things off of my chest. So many people I know are pregnant, which is great and exciting and a truly wonderful thing. Yet, I feel a little sad by it and frustrated. For many reasons really, not just one thing.
Not because I've been trying to have more kiddos. I physically can't...well, I could but, risk dying of hemorrhaging on the table rise exponentially each kiddo I have. Yes, that means I literally almost died having my first son. And while they were ready for the second time, I was told the scar tissue, etc. was extensive and the risk of bleeding out again would be greater. So, despite the fact that I always imagined 4+ kiddos, I opted to have my tubes tied. There will be no more trying for any new addition for me. While this fills me with a mix of emotions, I've slowly come to terms with it over the years.
So, why am I sad and frustrated?
It's the things that no one talks about when you're pregnant. The things, as a pregnant mother we don't want to talk about or think about. We want the baby born on term, with ten fingers and toes. Babies who can eat formula or breast milk, who doesn't need any surgeries to survive and will never know what a NICU is. We want that and we all have a right to that, to hope for that.
I know I was that way and I know that one little girl, Mary, was her name, changed my whole life and I was never more grateful that she did too.
I was somewhere between 6 - 8 months pregnant with my oldest son when I met her. I hadn't yet been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I was rather large for my gestation but, still didn't yet know that there was anything wrong. I was blissfully ignorant and my baby was going to be the prom queen or the football star...
I went to my husband's relative's funeral and there she was. I saw Mary instantly across the parlor. Long dark hair, cut in a straight line. She had bangs too and glasses and smiled at everyone as they passed her. She stuck close to her mother, was probably the most well behaved child I'd even seen really. I did my best to avoid her though just the same. Which was hard because I couldn't stop glancing at her from across the way and when she spied my gigantic belly, her eyes got wide and gleamed with immediate fascination. I made excuses to leave the group Mary and her mother were headed towards several times. Up until I finally could avoid them no longer without it being obvious.
She stood there, looking at my belly, not really saying anything for a long time. Just smiling at me, as if I was a Disney Princess! I tried my best not to look at her though.Until she finally asked to touch my tummy even before she did so, which to be honest was more polite than most adults really. She asked me if it was a boy or a girl, again very politely. At one point as everyone sat on the chaise lounges or chairs, I sat on the floor as it was much easier to get up and down for me...weird I know but, trust me, it was easier!
Mary, who was still glowing at me with her beautiful smile, asked if she could sit next to me. Which again, more polite than most children. She asked me several times if she could touch my tummy and each time I let her, she began to talk to me here and there. Always polite and always with a cute smile and gleaming delight in her eyes.
Every fear I'd secretly harbored, every worry I'd ever had about the well being of my child, I'd come face to face with in those moments. When I left there, I'd made up my mind, no matter what, it'd all be ok. Mary's innocent heart, her eternal curiosity, her bright eyes and beautiful smile, opened my heart to everything that day. I tear up even now, just thinking of her and that day. She forever changed my world that day.
So weeks later when I found out that something was physically wrong with my son, I thought of Mary and knew it would be ok. Months later when they told me that my son would most likely be cognitively delayed or physically handicapped in some way, I thought of Mary and KNEW it would be ok.
Years later, when I became pregnant again, all the "What ifs" raced through my mind but, I thought of Mary and knew that we'd be alright. And when my oldest son began to feel comfortable socializing, a "friend" of mine at the time expressed her concern that the children of choice for him were the ones with Down Syndrome and only those children. I immediately thought of Mary and told this woman, "we could only be so lucky".
