Mommy

When you're autism child is non-verbal, or at the very least a very slow to start talker, you wait ages to hear certain words.

If you're very lucky, like myself, your child does begin talking but, that still doesn't negate the pain in your heart when talking to mothers whose child is still nonverbal. It still hurts your heart to hear them tell you how they long for the words your child can say.

Anyway, I waited for "mommy". lol Of course I did, right? Who doesn't?!tongue emoticon 

When my youngest was 4 he finally began to talk, and still I waited for that word. I wasn't holding out for "love you", I just wanted mommy. lol

Anyway, one day when he was almost 6 he finally said "mom". I remember just freezing, not being able to breathe, and yes, falling to the floor in a big old puddle. It was seriously attractive! 

I loved "mom", but I never got to hear mommy. He always called me mom and then his father is always just "dad". Which is fine and now that he's 7 1/2 it's age appropriate, but a part of me, the greedy part, always wanted to hear "mommy". 

Today, he's standing next to me trying to get his father's attention again, to ask him something or other. You know that: mommy, momma, mom, mom. mom, momma, mommy thing everyone jokes about? Well, he can't get his dad to pay attention to him, so he starts saying dad, dad, dad,etc., and then "daddy". I froze. It was so sudden, I think I scared him. lol

It wasn't my "mommy" but, it close, so close, I had to hug him. He asked me why and I told him it's just a word he's never said, just like mommy and I was just excited and shocked to hear him say it. So, he grabs my face, leans his cheek on my nose and said "mommy".

Yep, once again, I became a puddle on the floor, but a VERY happy puddle!

The Movie with the boys...and You

I know that this isn't the life you had envisioned when you said "I do" all those years ago.

I know that things were simpler then, and there were no expectations of children or thought of what lie this far ahead. 

I know that if there was ever a moment that you thought about children, ADHD, Tourette Syndrome, clinical OCD and/or even Autism never crossed your mind. 

I know that if it had even crossed your mind, even for the briefest moment, you never thought it would've been so hard, or that it would even be hard times two!

I know all of this, I do. I know because - I live it! This is MY life too, the boys' lives. 

I don't think that you have ever realized this - or that you ever will.

I've tried over the years to talk to you, to have you listen - really listen to us, to me. 

Tonight, you were home. You weren't hiding in another room for two hours watching movies on your phone. I was taking the boys to a sensory friendly movie. So, we invited you. You're always complaining that you don't know what's going on; what activities we do. So, in a last ditch effort to include you, we invited you. . I had the two youngest pack their electronic entertainment, and my oldest pack his myriad of critters, got everything together, with the help of the boys. 

You rushed everyone, yelled, and were generally nasty to everyone. 

We got there, and I wrangled the kids and the management, because once again they'd forgotten to schedule a theater to hold the sensory movie. You fidgeted and grumbled when I asked you to help hold some things. I let the boys go over the cardboard displays of the upcoming movies, like they always do. You started yelling and getting cranky at me for it. You forget that the boys and I do this all the time - alone, without you. This is our routine, and how they keep themselves out of trouble. They like to look at every inch of the display, every character, shadow, etc. Then as we wait in line for water, or pop, or popcorn, we discuss the displays, the upcoming movies, what they would like to see, or which ones they think will be their favorites. 

As we all grabbed our snacks, drinks and whatever else the boys had brought, my purse, etc. You grabbed only your things, as did your oldest son. Our youngest, helped mommy and grabbed as much as he could, grabbed his drink and made his way to the usual top row of seats. Our oldest, grabbed all his things (2 bags of comfort items and electronics) but, could barely make it five feet. So, I grabbed his largest bag, his pillow, my purse, my popcorn, drink and our youngest's popcorn and gloves for his costume he needed to wear, and the flyers I had with me. The two of us standing at the foot of these steep stairs, looking up at the three of you....

Him and myself trying to juggle around things in our hands to make getting to the top easier. Our youngest, seeing the distress and juggling, made his way rapidly down the stairs to help the two of us. While your oldest and yourself, didn't. I had to holler up at him for help and even then, he took his cue from you, glancing your way first and then retorting something back to me. He begrudgingly came but, you...you did not. 

When the movie was over, I asked the boys to get their things together, while I went to the restroom. You of course, weren't happy and made it known. 

As I gather the boys together and spread the load amongst the three of them and myself, you without missing a beat, kept walking. Clearly beating us to the car without a second glance back. 

On the way home, you said nothing. While the boys happily chatted in the back. I asked them if they had fun, which part was their favorite, and so on. You griped at the cars in front of us. I turn and calmly start to ask if you could just end the night on a positive note, and I never get to finish my sentence before you're yelling at another person in front of us and then glaring at me for interrupting your rant. 

I'm tired. I don't want to do this. So, I turn to look out the window for the rest of the ride home, while I listen to their happy chatter in the back, used to our silence, and fighting by now. Upon arriving at home, you leave the boys and I in the dust. You come in the house and disappear. The boys getting their nighttime routine on, getting ready for bed. You're nowhere, like always. Always nowhere to be found. 

You don't understand how we got here, why we're headed down the courtroom aisle. I watched you, have relived every minute in my head, wondering if it's just me. I snuggled with our boys as they drifted off to sleep, and we talked about the day. They never mentioned you one time, one fun thing with you, a funny incident, or even a fond moment. They talk of each other, the movie, their favorite game, how funny mommy is and even how much they want the dog to play something with them. They never mention you....because like always, you're here, but you're never here. 

I'm sorry that we lost you somewhere, not sorry enough to want to stay anymore but, sorry that you've missed out on their smiles, laughter, silliness, their antics, and just them being themselves. Even if it wasn't what you signed up for, and you can't take it. You even miss the best parts too