Feeling Blessed

Looking back, when my youngest was diagnosed with ASD. I remember being so shocked, I could barely speak. I nodded my head in response to what the doctor was saying, took the handouts and ushered my two wild boys out to the van. Gave them there gadgets to play with and then broke down in tears.

I'm not sure why I cried really. I mean by this point, we'd been told he had ADHD, Apraxia of speech and then there were the myriad of diagnosis that DW had. After a while, you sort of cease going through the denial, grief, acceptance and research phase, you just go on. With the ASD diagnosis though, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I think I cried most of the day.

Looking back, I think hearing "autism", made all my fears for him real. I had and do worry about how he'll be in the future. His receptive language and attention span are not near where "normal" kids' are. I had just voiced to my mother that I wasn't sure he'd ever be able to function alone, as he got older. I think this is why I cried...I think.

Last week, I marched into the Developmental Behavioral Pediatrician's office with both boys yet again in tow, and walked out with what would've amounted to an Asperger's diagnosis (before they changed the DSM) for my oldest son. I didn't shed a tear though. I knew it was coming, I've known it since he was 2 so it came as no shock, when the week prior we were handed the litany of paperwork for family to fill out.

I sit here now, watching by of my ASD boys, so completely different, thankfully both verbal though. Granted JD's verbal skills are a serious stumbling block for him sometimes, but he's verbal. He can say "I love you", he cuddles (sometimes WAY too much), he laughs, smiles and can sometimes seem to show affection even for his brother! DW his verbal acuity is beyond amazing, always has been since he was 1 year old. He is less affectionate though, tells jokes only he really gets, prefers to be on his own most of the time, is very self sufficient, and relentless when he "knows" something can be done.

Both are sensitive to sound, both hate getting wet and both have their rituals that they need just right. Food though, they are again like night and day. DW will only eat soft, HOT foods and eats only 11 different kinds of foods now. JD, he will not eat anything remotely warm, prefers crunchy things and will eat just about anything you put in front of him, except watermelon.

I've been conversing with other autism moms this week, really diving into the community as it were and I keep hearing how so many of them could not do it with two of them...there are days the stress is enough to drive one mad, I won't deny that. Everytime I hear a mom say this though, I think this is nothing. If they were non-verbal and so far down into the autism scale, it might be something else. I am lucky really to have two of them though. To see life through their eyes, to be able to enjoy most things with them and them with me.

I sit here though and watch the two of them, JD playing with his trains and DW with his fastidiousness with the playdough and I wonder why I reacted differently. Why JD's diagnosis was such a shock and a part of me feels bad that I did not mourn for DW in the same way. Maybe it's because I've mourned so many times for him with all of his diagnosis I'm just finally ok? Or because maybe I knew it was there. I'm not sure, but as I go to my first ever lecture tonight on an autism related topic and plan with my oldest his first recreation club this weekend and his last soccer game with TOPSoccer the following weekend, I feel blessed that there is such a great community out there. I feel blessed that my boys are the way that they are. And I wish I'd known more about the autism community prior to now. I hope that everyone out there has a community like this, whether it's for Autism, Dyspraxia, OCD, SPD, etc.