Divorce in the U.S. is said to be something like 50%. While this is sort of true, when you break it down it doesn't quite average out to 50%. The rate depends upon age when one gets married, educational status, income brackets, and so on. They say every 10 - 13 seconds someone gets divorced, and with 318 million people in the U.S., we can say with some accuracy that roughly the divorce rate sits at about 50%, but it really is just a guess.
If your marriage produced special needs children though, your divorce rate jumps to 80% - 90%. The longer you're married though, the better chance you have to come through it. Still, with a divorce rate that high, it's no wonder a majority of autism moms I meet are single. In fact, now that I think of it, the ladies whom I hang out with most, happen to be just a few of us who are still married. Our counterparts though, clearly outnumber us 3 to 1!
So, divorce...it's a HARD word to say. It's a hard word to contemplate, even when you desperately want it. For a neurotypical family, the logistics take a lot of work, compromise and planning to get laid out for both parties to meet in the middle. In a special needs family, the complications though, are astronomical. The Holland friendly parent who is going through this, has to muster every ounce of energy and strength she has, and with many of us up all night with sleep-allergic children, that can be a HUGE undertaking!
When you begin looking into it, what you need to do beforehand, what it will require, it's surreal.
It's not that you necessarily feel bad for the partner who initially refused to get off the plane, by this point, it's just for the first time you can see a future where there isn't constantly fighting every day. Where the future you thought you knew of former Holland traveling companion and a child of Holland coming to blows, doesn't happen. You've set both your traveling companion and your child free. In the process, the freedom your soul feels....it's almost palpable.
I'm not sad that it's come to this, although it is surreal. It's just that now you're making lists about how to divvy up things, photos, beds....You're now setting aside funds for a future that isn't quite there yet but, in a few months will be. You read everything you can get your hands on about what to expect for your children, and how to co-parent perfectly, etc. Except your children are from Holland. No one in Holland ever responds the way you think they will, or the way others think they should.
So you begin to prepare your life for the big word: Divorce. You don't get to just decide as a parent that it's done. It doesn't work like that. For typical parents, they may have a bit more leeway and in truth, if my children were both neurotypical, it might've been that way for me. I'd have left ages ago, with a few packed bags and probably all of $40 in my pocket.
You though, you have children that are from Holland.
Holland's children need structure, security, and you to be STRONG and stable, no matter how much you feel like falling apart, or how stressed you become. You don't have the luxury that other parents have. You don't get to stop, pause, take six minutes to breathe, or two minutes to cry. I mean let's face it, at this point you're lucky to either go to the bathroom alone, or have five minutes to yourself without hearing about Minecraft or Terraria mods.
So for the children of Holland, you plan and prepare. You start by walking your former traveling partner back to the plane where he can watch another in flight movie, snack on peanuts and drink a beer. You give him the warm washcloth and blanket and tuck him in for the long flight back to the "real world".
You? Well you hold tight to the little hands that hold yours, you walk off the plane, and for the first time in a long time, you don't turn back. You know the roads in Holland are crazy steep, really meant for off road vehicles, and there are sudden sharp turns, and you've nothing but a skateboard to travel with. This time though, you get to go on, eyes open and take on Holland at your pace. You can stop and admire the tulips, learn the language, eventually purchase one of their famous bikes to traverse across Holland and admire the windmills!
These next several months in Holland are going to be different, your partner still on the plane, blissfully enjoying the small talk from the stewardess, and enjoying the same movie, over and over and over again. You heading back into Holland to check on the cost of a bicycle, map the route that will take you by the most tulips and windmills, and book appointments with Dutch tutors to learn the language.
It's not going to be easy and nothing may really go according to your itinerary, as is typical in Holland but, it's okay. Your tour guide, has taught you about improvising, that you really are tougher than you think you are, and that no matter what insane road you're on, you ALWAYS stop and admire the tulips. Your tour guide, who really began your life, is worth it all.
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