I started writing in my blog ages ago. Like everyone else out there, I had something to say, and this was the place for it.
And just like everyone else, sometimes life gets in the way. Things change, children grow, and then you sometimes find that you have something new to say. Only, you may not want to "say" it per say, but you need to get it out. So, just like that, I'm taking up coming back here to post things I need to get off of my chest.
It's work being married, we all know that. Some of us go in blind, thinking happily ever after will always just be there. Likewise, some of us go in knowing that it will be work; that your partner and you, will grow. Maybe grow apart and you'll have to work to grow back together. Either way you look at it, you're still not prepared for the curveball that life, fate, God, etc, can throw at you...
You wake up one day, a parent. Which in and of itself is hard but, nothing so traumatic that you just wake up one day and decide you can't do it anymore. Except, some of us wake up as parents - in Holland.
If you're a special needs parent, you've probably been handed that poem. It's a pretty accurate description of life as a special needs parent too. If you're married though, and a special needs parent, Holland is only one of your perspectives. One spouse is grabbing the tourist guides, train schedules, and maps. While the other one is fully refusing to step off of the plane.
That's okay too. I mean we all deal with things in our own ways, so the fact that your spouse is still eating the peanuts and rewatching the inflight movie, while annoying, isn't such a shock. We, as the accepting/learning spouse look up a week later, and they're just now getting off of the plane but, haven't left the airport. While you could do the donkey thing, lasso them, slap a bridle or something similar on and then try to drag them to water, and most of us will at some point, in the end you learn it will do no good. They have to come to terms on their own.
At some point, if you're still with your spouse, you will find that you've explored the entire country and he's just now grabbing maps, written in latin. You're on one end of the country and he's on the other side. At this point, it is so very easy to be beyond aggravated and loose it with them. If you went into your marriage with open eyes though, you will realize that at this point -after you've lost your mind- he's off the dang plane!! He's not completely blind anymore, he knows where he is and he's attempting to follow his ridiculous latin map to where you are.
The problem at this point though is that we don't see that. We don't want to go all the way back to the airport to show him how to take the bus, the train, or taxi. We know that it's so much easier to just keep going with your angel of a tour guide. We can no longer be bothered to catch up our partners. It's the first mistake WE make in a partnership/marriage. This is our part of the problem in the relationship. We have to acknowledge this and accept it.
If we're really strong, and have any ounce of energy, some of us will backtrack. We'll take our tour guide and hike back over some steep hills, crazy roads, and sleep in tents on the side of the road - because we've now run out of currency waiting and waiting for them to catch up. As frustrated, and exhausted as we may be, we do it and we make it and we literally hold their hand to cross the first street. It's enough to give you faith that maybe you'll get to the other side of the country before your time there is over.
So, you hold their hand through the second intersection, teach them how to hail a cab, and order food. The promise of a great stay so close in hand.
Then it starts...
He doesn't want to eat what they have to offer at chez Holland, and will only eat American burgers. He can no longer be bothered to check the map to see the destination. He refuses to stay in the tents hat you've made on the journey and books a 5-star hotel room for himself every night, hoping you won't notice. To the people along your journey, he smiles, talks the talk and will pretend to walk the walk but, when it's just you, he can't be bothered because it's too hard. Or he doesn't understand while he has to meet your tour guide in the middle to make any leeway on the trip.
This is where the constant fighting begins, fighting that in the beginning you do because you LOVE your family, you want to keep it together, and you want everyone to be on the same page. Which eventually will turn into resentment, for all the things he will not even attempt, for being such a spoiled brat and needing everything to be about him, or for all the hotels he booked only for himself, and the meals he's ruined by refusing to sit at the table because it's not American food.
Which eventually turns to no longer arguing for those things, not even caring about them. You simply argue now, because he disagrees with your tour guide at every avenue. He thinks the tour guide is too slow, too fast, missed something, took a wrong turn, etc., and you realize that not one single day has gone buy where you've not argued over your tour guide and how wrong your partner thinks the tour guide is. Eventually he just stops pretending, stops showing up at the local restaurants, he stops participating in some cultural tours, he's dragging his feet along the way, slowing you all down, way down
At one point he just stops pretending even, and the things that he will say or do, are mind boggling. Until one day, they're just not.. Until one day, you wake up in the tent you and your child(ren) have painstaking put together time after time, after time. The tents that allow you to see Holland from different perspectives, to see sights that no quick tourist gets to see, you get to see Holland for the beauty it really holds, and you don't want to meet your partner at the hotel parking lot, you no longer want to attempt eating with him at the restaurants. You do what you've already been doing for ages now, you plan and go on without them. It sounds cold but, it's already happened. He didn't notice or care and your tour guide? Well, your tour guide vaguely registers him anymore. If he's there when the tour guide is, that's great but, when he's not the tour guide still thinks it's great. It's no big loss to them and in fact they prefer being with only now.
This is the beginning of the end, and the only one who doesn't notice, is your partner.
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